In St. Augustine, Fl, there is a plaque that explains how it is the oldest Spanish settlement in Florida.  It tells the story of how Spanish settlers fanned out across Florida to settle it.  They would soon realize the folly of their ways and attempt to return to St. Augustine.  None would survive.  They had fallen victim to the world’s most advanced, tactical trained mosquitoes.  These aren’t just any mosquitoes, they are mighty Florida tactical trained mosquitoes.  They come equipped with sensors to detect humans showing bare skin.  Day or night, they are on the prowl. 

Use this Military Grade Mosquito Spray They Said

My first experience with these ninja warriors came on the Flight Line of MacDill AFB, Fl, way back in 1978, when I was an F-4 Phantom (flying pig among polite company) Crew Chief.   I worked on the flight line, out in the great Florida outdoors.  Each shift began much like the next; check out your tool box, grab a bunny suit, and a fresh can of military grade mosquito spray.  Just how strong was this spray?  Well, one night, while watching the jets take-off and land at the end-of-the-runway, I sprayed myself with some of this military grade mosquito spray.  Unfortunately, I accidentally sprayed some on my motorcycle helmet visor and on my motorcycles’ brake light.  Both melted. My helmet visor ran down my helmet and my break light ran down the fender of my motorcycle.  

You may not know just how poor a no stripe-er airman was at the time, but this was a major expense for me.  Never mind what this goop was doing to my insides.  From then on, it was fight on when it came to mosquitoes.  The basic tactic is to wear long sleeve everything, and then spray it with whatever mosquito repellent you dare.

Then I Met Saudi Mosquitoes

Many years later, I found myself living the dream.  The dream of working in the ‘temperature of the surface of the sun’ Saudi Arabian desert.  Though my job was indoors, my evenings were primarily spent outdoors, in the pool, swimming laps.  As it turns out, I am sweet meat for a Saudi Mosquito.  The entire time I was swimming, even with people all around me in these giant, Disney World class swimming pools, mosquitoes would find me and attack my head.  Their motto was apparently ‘taken’ from Liam Neeson, “I will hunt you, I will find you, I will bite”.    These weren’t just any mosquitoes, no, these were the ninja warriors of the mosquito world.  Small, invisible, almost (but not quite) silent, except for that irritating buzz you would hear at the last second as they swooped in for their final assault.

Like ghost, they were able to pass through solid walls.  They could somehow mysteriously pass through the foot-thick walls of my house.   We all kept our houses well below freezing, not just because we were living in hell and the electricity was paid for, but because the thought was mosquitoes were cold blooded and would therefore, not come in.  We also used women’s panty hose to cover openings in the house (sounds weird, especially when you go asking for these from the women).  Bah.  The ninja mosquitoes took it as a challenge.  Apparently, they carried onboard heating devices to overcome the frigid arctic conditions we had running.   They also had a cloaking device that made them invisible to humans.  Their only weakness was their irritating little buzz. 

My Wife Hit Me With Nerve Gas

One night, while sleeping under layers of blankets and behind mosquito netting and having sprayed myself down with Saudi strength bug juice, I was suddenly gripped by this uncontrollable buzzing in my ears.  This time, it was not the ninja mosquitoes.  My wife had accidentally sprayed me in the face with a blast of mosquito juice because she was under attack by her own special squadron of ninjas.  Turns out, mosquito juice is a form of chemical warfare, meaning it attacks the nervous system of mosquitoes, and mine as well.  I don’t think she did it intentionally, though she was pretty upset about being dragged to yet another ‘exotic location’.

Now I Wear Long Sleeve Everything

As it happens, the Florida VA did a physical on me a few years back.  Turns out, even though my skin already has that Florida leathery look to it from too much exposure to the sun, I don’t produce much if any vitamin D.  Their fix was to walk (which I do every day, anyway) about 2 hours in the high-noon sun.   That didn’t really move the needle much on the vitamin D issue, plus I got a sunburn.  So for protection when I go outside, I bought a few long sleeve Tee Shirts, like Barefoot In Public long sleeve graphic T-Shirts, to protect my arms from both the sun and mosquitoes.  At least I still get some sun on my head.

They Don’t Discriminate 

Florida mosquitoes are an equal opportunity warrior.  If I am not around, they will attack the next favorite person or persons on their menu.  Unfortunately for two of my nieces, who were visiting from Spain, they were next on the list.  My son had graciously paid for them to come to the United States one summer to attend the Berlitz English language school, here in Miami.  Being unsuspecting innocents abroad, they arrived in shorts and short sleeve blouses.  Those ninja warrior mosquitoes were on the ball that night, passing as the phantom menace might through the airport Jetway's metal walls, to begin their relentless assault on these two poor innocents abroad.  By the time they made it to the house, they were in tears, with mosquito bites from head to toe.  As it would happen, we didn’t have afterbite, nor their size clothes.  So, as most all trips go, this one started out with some emergency shopping for ‘Florida’ survival clothing and Barefoot In Public did not disappoint with long sleeve shirt styles just right for these young women.  

I am not sure how much English they learned in 30 days, but they did visit all of the major attractions, where they fought the good fight with the Florida State Insect.

Failure to Plan is Planning to Get Bit

You should probably plan on getting some Barefoot In Public long sleeve T-Shirts as well.  If you plan on spending much time outdoors, whether in Florida, Saudi Arabia, Minnesota, or points in between, and you want to avoid mosquito bites and sunburn, you’ll appreciate the advice.